Toddler Stranger Anxiety

Dear Byron,

Why did you cry? As soon as I stepped into the garage you started to scream, even though you were in your Mommy's arms. She said you were tired and hungry. It was the end of another long day for you I know. But there was more. Your seemed frightened of me!

Perhaps it was only that you were tired, I thought. So I turned away to help your Daddy unload the table from the U-Haul trailer. We picked the table up from Aunt Cassie's apartment where it had been deposited by the moving company the previous week. The table originally belonged to your other Great-Grandma Sherry before she went to heaven. Now it belongs to your Mommy and Daddy as part of their inheritance and as long as Aunt Cassie was moving to Houston from the Rio Grande Valley anyway she brought the table along. Now Daddy and I moved it into your house.

As we moved the table and chairs into your kitchen your Mommy got you some milk to drink and for a little while you seemed satisfied. But then you looked at me and began to scream and carry on again. And I wondered why. Did you not live at our house for many months? Did we not play and laugh together? Yes, G-Gma and I have been gone to Colorado for a couple months this summer, but surely you remember me—or have you already forgotten? Am I now a complete and very frightening stranger to you?

G-Gma suggested that you suffer from Toddler Stranger Anxiety. Here is what I read in an article on the web.

Stranger anxiety is not just reserved for babies. It’s a phenomenon in which toddlers, often between the ages of 12 and 24 months, view anyone other than their parents as a threat — even if that someone is their (formerly) favorite Aunt Michelle. Why does toddler stranger anxiety suddenly rears its ugly — and strange — head? Experts aren’t exactly sure. And, adding to the mystery, some kids are gripped by it, while others never feel it at all. One thing experts do know: You didn’t do anything bad to make it happen. On the contrary, stranger anxiety is a natural and normal part of development — and it’s a sign that your child has a healthy bond to you.

Mommy, Daddy and the rest of us want to help you. 

• We'll reassure you. Don't be scared. Mommy and Daddy will take care of you. Its OK if you want them to hold you. You are safe in their arms. And meanwhile I and other "strangers" will stay a safe distance away.

• Mommy and Daddy will stay close at hand. They'll always be available to hold you and stay close. And I know they will give you lots of loving until you and I get re-acquainted. And if any other "strangers" show up, they'll always be there for you.

• Both G-GMa and your parents have reassured me. I did feel kinda bad when you acted so frightened, but I felt lots better when G-GMa reminded me about this phase in your growing up. Daddy assured me a couple times that it was really nothing and that you would get over it. And you sorta did after a half hour or so. We even bounced a big ball back and forth. Of course, I noticed that you needed to have Aunt Cassie close at hand. But that's OK. 

• We're all going to coach friends and family. We'll let everyone know that you need a little time to warm up to people. We'll explain that it’s best not to rush in and pick you up or demand hugs and kisses the minute we see you. Instead, we'll tell them to play it cool for a bit, and then maybe, after you feel comfortable, we'll offer you a favorite toy as a way to connect.

• Mommy and Daddy will stick around before leaving you with us or any other caregiver. Maybe they'll leave you with G-GMa and me in the next week or so. If so, we'll certainly want to give you a chance to calm down and get comfortable before they take off. I noted especially that you weren't frightened of G-GMa. That's good. It'll help you when Mommy and Daddy leave and will make the transition a lot easier for you as you deal with your stranger anxiety. And meanwhile you and I might even get to play some more of those games we used to play or read one of those fun books.

• We'll all take it slow. This stuff can be frustrating for  you as well as the rest of us. It may even take months for it to go away, but we have plenty of time and we will be patient. We don't want you to be frightened. We know it is all part of growing up and becoming an independent person. And we want to give you all the time you need to do that.

All because we love you very, very much.

G-GPa